by Dr. Noel Swanson
"I need help! My 9 year old daughter has started resisting school. She misses several days every week, complaining of tummy or head aches. When I try to talk to her she screams and cries. She acts as if she's terrified to go."
Situations like this require a firm hand. Do not be tempted to wait and hope that she will eventually go to school by herself. If left too long, she may never go back.
However, don't be angry with her as her anxiety and distress are real.
She may have one of three conditions that you need to determine: school phobia (fear of going to school), separation anxiety (fear of leaving you or your home, or agoraphobia (fear of crowded and public places).
If it might be the first, check if she is being bullied, teased, embarrassed, or abused at, or on the way to, school. Work closely with the teachers to identify and deal with any problematic situations.
Have her pediatrician examine her. Tell him what's going on so that he can check for serious illness.
Once the doctor has done this, believe him! Do not chase after ever more expensive tests. From this point onwards your assumption is that the child is well and so should be in school. Give her firm and confident reassurance that both she and you will be fine when she is there. If she complains again of being unwell you then have two options:
First, get her to school unless you determine that she truly is sick. In that case she would be running a fever, or have nausea and/ or diarrhea, etc. If she just tells you she doesn't feel well, that isn't enough to let her stay home. Adults often go to work with uncomfortable symptoms.
Option two is to believe what she says. If she claims to be too sick to attend school, then she is too sick to be up at home. Make sure she gets into bed. Turn off the lights, close the curtains, don't let her watch TV and don't bring her any snacks. Just maintain your daily routine. Make staying home a complete bore. If she isn't asleep then she could be doing her homework. She definitely shouldn't have friends visit.
Along with this, set up clear incentives (rewards, privileges) for getting to school.
Be firm and remain calm. Let her know that you expect her to go to school, but don't argue with her if she resists. The goal her is for her to want to go back to school. Once she goes and finds out that she's fine, her previous symptoms should disappear.
If you have no luck with these techniques and fear that she may be seriously depressed or anxious, then call your doctor for a professional referral.